Media Madness and Mwenda’s Lips

A quick name association game for you.

When I say “The Red Pepper” you say …

How about ‘mind-searing drivel’? 

 

This is the top story in today’s edition of The Red Pepper.

 

 

I cannot imagine what The Red Pepper editorial meetings are like.

 

“Settle down people.  Rugyendo, shut down that page please.  I said after 2 p.m, no lesbian porn.  Only Busty Babes after lunch.

“Okay, let’s get this over with.  Today, we have five contenders for Page One. There’s the man with three penises, the woman who gave birth to a hyena, Barack Obama’s love child in Kotido, the horny ghosts in President Museveni’s house and the discovery that earth has not one, but two moons. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I say we go for the horny ghost story.  It’s a Friday.  People want to enter the weekend with a supernatural hard on.”

**********

 

On the other side of town, at The Independent, we know what the editorial meetings are like.

 

“Oh master, what greatness doest thou have for thine servants this day?”

Proving a Point – Tragically

I told you we wouldn’t learn anything from the Owino Market fire, didn’t I?

 

In case you haven’t heard, another ‘building’ in Kampala has collapsed.  By 4 p.m. today one man was confirmed dead.  He and 14 other casual laborers were killed when a wall of soil at a construction site on Sinaibin Amir Street in the Nakasero Market Square collapsed on them.

 

One of the builders interview on radio admitted that he knew he and his workmates were doing a shoddy job.  He said he was often called to work at night with little or no light to see what he was doing, but he worked anyway because he needed the money.  When asked about KCC building inspectors, he said, “Ani?  Oyo guy gwogamba simulabanga ko.”  Translation: “Building inspectors? HA!”

 

And to think the ink on the report of the October 2008 NSSF building collapse has barely dried!

 

What do you say we arrest Kampala Mayor ‘Seya’ Nasser Ntege Sebagala, cane him and send him back to jail?

Things We won’t Learn from the Owino Market Fire

At about 3 a.m. yesterday, a fire gutted the Park Yard Market in Kampala, burning to ash the merchandise of more than 25,000 vendors.  Most of the vendors are women with no alternative source of income.  They have no insurance and there will be no compensation for their loss.  No one was killed in the fire, but that was just a stroke of luck.  Had the fire broken out just one hour later, we would have been counting the bodies.

 

Every tragedy is an opportunity for change, but this is Uganda.  Our learning curve is L-shaped. 

 

Fire at Owino ©Daily Monitor

  

So here’s my list of 5 things we won’t learn from the Owino Market fire.

Arrogant Ish and Kampala is Crazy

I don’t have a driving permit.

 

(If you are reading this and you happen to be part of the Long Arm of the Law, just remember that at least I was honest and willing to admit my guilt before you send your guys to arrest me.)

 

I don’t have a driving permit.  For much of my adult life, I have driven cars around Kampala without a driving permit.  It’s not something I’m proud of.  It just is.

 

Driving without a permit in Kampala is the easiest and hardest thing a motorist can do.  Chances are the police will stop you.  Chances are the police will not stop you at all.  Your car may be impounded and you will be locked up for the night or you will get away with a reluctant reprimand and a careless wave of the hand.

 

I’m one of the unlucky ones. I’ve been stopped numerous times by the traffic police and quizzed about my expired insurance, my worn out tyres, my dead headlamps and yes, my permit.  I usually tell the truth.  I do not have a driving permit, forgive me.  No, you will not be forgiven; you must pay.  Please sir/madam, forgive me.  No, you must pay.  Please sir/madam, please, please forgive me.  Okay, but do you promise not to drive again without a permit?  No.  Then you must pay.  Please sir/madam, forgive me.  No …

 

Only two things explain why I don’t have a driving permit: I am lazy and I have a sky-high sense of moral superiority that is ridiculous even to me.

Picture of the Day of Last Week and Other Randomnities

 

Not for nothing, but did you know it was illegal to take pictures at Kololo Airstrip?

 

I took this picture on Wednesday last week.  The airstrip has a great panoramic view of Kampala City.  As I took the third picture, a pair of policemen motioned to me.  One of them had a gun.  I thought … oh oh!  The second policeman was a senior officer person.  I’m not good with police ranks, but he was one of those with three stars on his shoulder.

 

Policeman: How are you?

Me: It depends on how you are.

Policeman: I am well.  My name is Saul, by the way.

Me: Mine is Tumwi.

Policeman: Miss Tumwi, I am placing you under arrest.

Me: (incredulously) What?

Policeman: I am placing you under arrest for taking a picture of a high security zone.

Me: What?

(Maybe not) A Succession Plan

So Yoweri Museveni finally did it.  He appointed his wife, Janet Kataaha Museveni, a minister in the cabinet of Uganda.

 

Janet Museveni – First Lady, Ruhaama County Member of Parliament, State Minister for Karamoja and Second-in-Line to the Ugandan Throne.  All hail! 

 

 

Maybe I’m just being silly, simplistic and cynical.

Why I am Still Single

Because he might lick my face.

 

For real.

 

The Devil Box made its way back into my home last month.  Too broke to afford Pay TV, I am at the mercy of Uganda’s free-to-air channels that offer a combination of poorly shot Ugandan music videos, cheap Nollywood movies, air headed entertainment magazine presenters and Latin American telenovelas with the worst voice overs ever.

 

Enter El Cuerpo del Deseo, which literally means “The Crap of the Deranged.”  Okay, that’s not what it means, but that’s what it should mean.  El Crapo, like many telenovelas, has an extremely preposterous storyline.  From the three episodes I have watched, I’ve figured that it has something to do with someone dying, someone coming back to life, someone’s in love with someone who’s in love with someone else and there’s a butler and a wicked aunt and a maid and a forest and a dog.

 

Anyhoo, on Thursday last week, needing to numb my mind after frustrating day, I turned on the Devil Box.  El Crapo was on NTV.  A woman – long hair, skinny waist, plump lips, breasts a-heaving – was calling out a man’s name.  “Salvador, Salvador, blahblahblah I need you.”  Salvador, repulsed her kisses and told her something or the other about her cheating on her fiancé. “But Salvador,” breasts a-heaving even more, “Salvador.”  He said, “NO!” and then …

 

… he licked her face.

 

As in tongue-stuck-out in thirsty rabid dog style, one long wet slobber from her chin to her nose.  She didn’t cry out or slap him or vomit, as commonsense would have required her to do.  Instead she touched the saliva on her face tenderly and whispered a breathless “Salvador.”

 

And I remembered why I am still single.

I See London, I See France, I See NB’s Underpants

My favorite Valentine’s Day story involves the launch of a group in India called the Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women. 

 

More than 5,000 people have joined a Facebook group formed in response to an attack on women for drinking in a bar in the southern Indian city of Mangalore last month.  They are raising money to give pink underwear to right-wing activists called Sri Ram Sena (Army of Lord Ram) on Valentine’s Day.  The activists are blamed for the bar attack.

 

Whaaaaaat the Friiiiiiiiiiick?!

“SALMA HAYEK BREASTFEEDS AFRICAN BABY“ news media in the West report today.

 

Apparently the voluptuous Hollywood star acted instinctively, taking a Sierra Leonean baby boy from his mother and breastfeeding him when she was told the child was hungry and his mother had stopped producing milk.

2009 Uganda National Park Challenge

The East African Tourism Council estimates that only one in 2,000 citizens of the East African Community have visited national parks in their country.

 

Of the 23 people in my office, only two have visited a national park in Uganda.  Today I asked why.  I was told it is too expensive, too far from the city and too boring.  Some said it had never crossed their minds.

 

Okay, let’s deal with the myths:

 

Too expensive.  Not.  Entrance fees for all East African adults are now only 5,000 shillings a day, 7,500 shillings for two days and 10,000 shillings for three days.  Prices for children are half this amount.

 

Too far.  Not.  Murchison Falls National Park is just 213 kilometers (or a three hour drive) from Kampala.  Lake Mburo National Park is 282 kilometers from Kampala, Mount Elgon National Park is 228 kilometers from Kampala.  The farthest national park from Kampala is Kidepo National Park, which is 743 kilometers from Kampala. 

 

Too boring.  Not.  Sure, one elephant looks just like the other, but there is more to do that go on game drives.  Mount Elgon and Mount Rwenzori National Parks offer mountain climbing, rock climbing, abseiling, forest walks and cliff diving.  You can participate in a chimpanzee feeding and treatment program in Kibale Forest National Park.  You can visit the Tombs of the Gods and bathe in the Sempaya hot springs in Semliki.  There’s bird watching, basket making, pottery classes or just a long lazy snooze at a river side.

 

There’s a point to this rambling.  A point.

 

Here’s the point:  The 2009 Uganda National Park Challenge.

 

 

I would like to convince at least 5-10 people to join me in visiting at least two national parks in Uganda this year.  It is aimed at budget travelers, backpackers or campers who want to have the most of a national park experience on a shoestring.  You certainly don’t need to travel with me.  Get at least 5-10 family and friends to join you for your visit.

 

This is the only mandatory criteria: 

1. You want to visit a national park in Uganda.
2. That you write, twitter or blog about your experience and kindly inform me about it.

 

I’m looking for partners for my 2009 Uganda National Park Challenge.  Interested?

 

For a full list of Uganda’s nine national parks, 20 nature reserve and 30 game reserves, click here.

For current tariffs and available park accommodation, visit the Uganda Wildlife Authority.

The Eye Magazine has credible reviews on the parks and activities to do there.