I’m writing my last will and testament. This is why.
I heard the rustling outside my living room window, harsh whispers and the ominous sound of scrapping of metal against metal. I jumped out of bed and as fast as I could, picked up my weapon of choice: an old broken aluminum pan and a wooden spoon.
Aaahhh. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! BAM!
The noise so startled the burglars that they dropped their saw and fled over my wall.
Martin, my trusty watchman, was all the while locked in my garage, sound asleep.
If I weren’t afraid of being raped, I would have composed myself, washed my face, picked up my keys and let the thieves in. After all, I have nothing of real value. Sure, I live in a house that is two rooms too many for me and I drive a big (snigger) car. I assure you, this is no indicator of wealth.
So I’m preparing myself for the next time the burglars visit. This is my last will and testament. I will laminate it, post it on my doors and windows and invite all who desire to take their pick.
This Last Will and Testament is made on the 24th day of June, 2010.
I: Tumwijuke Mutambuka
Of: Suckerville, Uganda
Born on: Too long ago to remember
Being of sound and disposing mind and memory and waaay over the age of 18 years, and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud, mistake, or undue influence, do hereby make, publish and declare the following to be my Last Will and Testament, revoking all previous will an codicils made by me.
I. MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN
I declare that I am married to My Job, and all references in this Will to My Job are references to The Futility and Wonder of Life.
I have the following children:
I appoint Whoever Would Be Bothered as Executor of my Last Will and Testament.
To You, I bequeath:
- My clothes, most being honorably purchased in second-hand stores and gloriously out of style
- My 11-inch TV set, DVD player, laptop computer and fridge that, thanks to the wonders of UMEME, were all blown on Monday, June 21, 2010 and are in a reliable state of disrepair
- My furniture, shabby, but lovingly handed down to me by a wide range of relations
- My DVD collection that kept the Kisementi movie bootleggers in business
- My car, a reliable 1995 Mitsubishi RVR that will offer you countless days of joy as you piece together the puzzle of junk
- My collection of two thousand and four books of immeasurable value or none at all
IV. ALL REMAINING PROPERTY; RESIDUARY CLAUSE:
I give, devise, and bequeath all of the rest, residue, and remainder of my estate, of whatever kind and character, and wherever located, to The Land Fill in Kitezi.
I make no provision for my children, knowing that just as they preceded me, they will survive for all time.
V. ADDITIONAL POWERS OF THE EXECUTOR:
Humanity shall have no other additional powers with respect to my estate, considering that I have none.
I direct that my remains be cremated and that the ashes be used to fill some portholes on the roads in my City Kampala.
By all means, Dear Burglars, come in.