Because he might lick my face.
The Devil Box made its way back into my home last month. Too broke to afford Pay TV, I am at the mercy of Uganda’s free-to-air channels that offer a combination of poorly shot Ugandan music videos, cheap Nollywood movies, air headed entertainment magazine presenters and Latin American telenovelas with the worst voice overs ever.
Enter El Cuerpo del Deseo, which literally means “The Crap of the Deranged.” Okay, that’s not what it means, but that’s what it should mean. El Crapo, like many telenovelas, has an extremely preposterous storyline. From the three episodes I have watched, I’ve figured that it has something to do with someone dying, someone coming back to life, someone’s in love with someone who’s in love with someone else and there’s a butler and a wicked aunt and a maid and a forest and a dog.
Anyhoo, on Thursday last week, needing to numb my mind after frustrating day, I turned on the Devil Box. El Crapo was on NTV. A woman – long hair, skinny waist, plump lips, breasts a-heaving – was calling out a man’s name. “Salvador, Salvador, blahblahblah I need you.” Salvador, repulsed her kisses and told her something or the other about her cheating on her fiancé. “But Salvador,” breasts a-heaving even more, “Salvador.” He said, “NO!” and then …
… he licked her face.
As in tongue-stuck-out in thirsty rabid dog style, one long wet slobber from her chin to her nose. She didn’t cry out or slap him or vomit, as commonsense would have required her to do. Instead she touched the saliva on her face tenderly and whispered a breathless “Salvador.”
And I remembered why I am still single.