Why I am Still Single

Because he might lick my face.

 

For real.

 

The Devil Box made its way back into my home last month.  Too broke to afford Pay TV, I am at the mercy of Uganda’s free-to-air channels that offer a combination of poorly shot Ugandan music videos, cheap Nollywood movies, air headed entertainment magazine presenters and Latin American telenovelas with the worst voice overs ever.

 

Enter El Cuerpo del Deseo, which literally means “The Crap of the Deranged.”  Okay, that’s not what it means, but that’s what it should mean.  El Crapo, like many telenovelas, has an extremely preposterous storyline.  From the three episodes I have watched, I’ve figured that it has something to do with someone dying, someone coming back to life, someone’s in love with someone who’s in love with someone else and there’s a butler and a wicked aunt and a maid and a forest and a dog.

 

Anyhoo, on Thursday last week, needing to numb my mind after frustrating day, I turned on the Devil Box.  El Crapo was on NTV.  A woman – long hair, skinny waist, plump lips, breasts a-heaving – was calling out a man’s name.  “Salvador, Salvador, blahblahblah I need you.”  Salvador, repulsed her kisses and told her something or the other about her cheating on her fiancé. “But Salvador,” breasts a-heaving even more, “Salvador.”  He said, “NO!” and then …

 

… he licked her face.

 

As in tongue-stuck-out in thirsty rabid dog style, one long wet slobber from her chin to her nose.  She didn’t cry out or slap him or vomit, as commonsense would have required her to do.  Instead she touched the saliva on her face tenderly and whispered a breathless “Salvador.”

 

And I remembered why I am still single.

You Gotta Have a J.O.B

The credit crunch has infiltrated the lonely hearts pages of Ugandan paper, The Weekly Observer.  Here’s a sample of this week’s listings. 

 

 

I’m searching for a serious and faithful Christian lady between 23-27 for a serious relationship.  She should be working.  Please call me on …

Swoon

There are only three reasons to fall in love:

1. He makes Michael Ealy look like Moses Ali
2. He knows Eneida Marta is a goddess
3. When he speaks, he makes love to your soul

He’s nine years younger than me and I just might be falling in love.

Fess Up

Friday Night Roulette

Fridays.

 

Never for me the joyous ‘Thank God it’s …’ Never for me the relief at the end of a long hard week.  Never for me dancing shoes, the party hat and the little black dress.

 

Fridays are for me the days to stare my humanity in the face and to deal with my latest, greatest addiction: roulette.  Friday Night Roulette.

 

“Spin the wheel Cupid.  Spin it fast and give me a Straight Four.”

 

Straight Four brings me The Toothpick.  He’s a fairly tall, chocolate brown man with a twinkle in his eyes.  He speaks with a smile and laughter is never far from his lips.  He’s a sports jock, but doesn’t burden me with who won the latest football championship and who the world’s greatest rugger is.  When he speaks games, points and players it’s with a lightness that makes it seem like he cares, but he doesn’t care at all.  He’s very attentive and remembers everything I say, but not in a spooky KGBesque way. 

 

I like him.  I like him a lot.  Now if only he would take that toothpick out of his mouth!

On the Road Again (II)

On the Road Again

Respectfully ripped from IngredientX.com

My ‘Love Life’ Keeps Getting Better

True story: Corny Whatnot gave me this cute platinum ring in April last year.  He said that it was to bind his initial to mine – ergo him to me – for eternity. That our destiny was written in the stars and we were meant to be.

Even truer story: Corny Whatnot is getting married this April.  And I’m not.

Spoilt for Choice

Ded and I decided to take off some time this weekend to work stuff out.   

Ded, my has-another-girlfriend-who-is-expecting-a-baby boyfriend, says we need time away from our family and friends and familiar surroundings to ‘return to the place of our first love’. I never said I was in love with him (yes, I am still stuck on Whatshisface) and I don’t think Ded has anything new to say.  However, I have nothing to lose and I will play along. 

Uno problemo: Ded is broke.  Not just today.  He’s always broke.  It’s really no biggie for me because I’m not one of those ‘No Romance without Finance’ girls.  In fact, the broker and the fatter and the lazier, the better (yes, I am a no-ambition underachieving thingum).  The thing is, Ded wants to go to a forest eco lodge not far from Kampala.  He says that if we are close to nature, the universal elements will move us closer together.  That maybe, just maybe, the cool breeze, the silence and the solitude will be right for him – for us – to get our mojo back.  But I am a parsimonious witch and have found no reason to spend a coin on his lying … um … nether region. 

Our weekend sojourn will have to be as low cost as it can get.  I’ve told him the city has enough good places for us to stay, partly because I need to be close to the police in case I am gripped by a paroxysm of negative sentiments towards him.  In fact the options are so numerous and diverse, we are spoilt for choice. 

.

.

.

See you on the other side of my ish.

Kakati, Gwe King Solo, What the Heck?

Song of Solomon, 4:1-7

Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from mount Gilead.

Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.

Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.

Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

Until the day break and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.  

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.

Rrrrrrright.