My life is pretty ho hum. I don’t easily excited, happy or hurt and I never have any drama going on.
<<If you want to read a post about ‘real’ drama, Dennis Matanda’s blog is the place to go. I have non-dramatic, less conspiratorial thoughts about that … but another story for another day.>>
So it was of course with much flair (or not) that I announced my first date in eons.
It was going to be good. I really like this guy. He’s my Eternal Crush. I get warm soapy feelings when I think about him in a nice comfortable way. Not in the hit-me-over-the-head-and-run-electric-current-through-me crush I had on Mitra from Shangri La in May.
Everything had to be perfect. The day, the time, the weather, the works. As I mentioned earlier, I wore a nice cleavage revealing shirt, I practiced my Demure But Sexy look, and wore the expensive perfume with pheromones that say ‘come hither’ to any warm blooded male.
1900 hrs – I shut down my PC and go to the bathroom at work for final touches. Satisfied. Think I look appealing in a soft Jennifer Aniston way. Practice pursing my lips and swaying my hips.
1930 hrs – Revv up the van and start my journey to Date Land. Delayed by a horrible traffic jam. Where the hell is everyone going on a Sunday night? Determined not to get worked up, I roll up the windows (one won’t work on account of old, irreparable van and perpetual brokeness) and put on my new Mark Murphy CD.
2015 hrs – At the gate of Date Land and in sudden panic. Have no idea why, as I have known Eternal Crush for ages. I guess it is the possibility of me saying something inappropriately lustful. Park outside Date Land and exchange Mark Murphy for Anita O’Day.
2030 hrs – Enter Date Land. Eternal Crush hasn’t come. Order for a vodka with a twist to calm my nerves and to prepare me for his arrival.
2040 hrs – Vodka order was wrong. Forgot that alcohol goes straight to my head and makes me do things I should keep behind my four walls. Will be raving like a looney about Hugh Laurie’s beautiful blue eyes very soon if I don’t go slow on the booze. Get even more panicky. Wonder if I have too much makeup on or too little. Worry that the after-effects of my recent acne bout are too visible and that my nasal hairs are too long. Decide to throw caution to the wind.
2100 hrs – What the heck? Eternal Crush says he’s gridlocked about seven kilometers away. Tells me to sit tight, he’s on the way and is looking forward to seeing me because he has stuff to say. Order dinner. Order big. After all, am really hungry and he’s not here to see me stuff myself.
2105 hrs – Disappointed with how shallow I have become. Supposed to become wiser with age. Whoever said that was a bloody liar and will pay.
2130 hrs – Lovely food. Eternal Crush hasn’t come. Has called four times to say sorry, etc. Can’t be bothered. The raspberry lassi is wonderful and the masala dosai is heavenly.
2145 hrs – Done with meal. Call Eternal Crush. Says he received a call about an emergency at home. Incredible! Ask him what it is and he says ‘noises’ were heard outside his gate. I hang up. I have nothing more to say. Ask for the bill and leave.
2200 hrs – Need angry chick music, but have none in the van tonight. Laugh at myself for being stood up. Feel ridiculous in boob-baring blouse as it is a cold night, window can’t close and I’m feeling murderously cold.
2230 hrs – Back at home. Sit on toilet for the longest time doing nothing, but feeling foolish. I am a fool. Debate about what to do with Eternal Crush. Chuck him? Call him a dog and blast him for being inconsiderate and blind considering what a huge catch I am? He calls just as I am about to get up from the toilet. Decide to pee while answering his call to show him utmost disdain. Clueless, he asks whether it is raining at my home.
0010 hrs – Off the phone. Decide Eternal Crush is a cheap fool, but that I am even more stupid because I still like him and will have him over on Saturday next for wine and a long chat.
0500 hrs – After tossing and turning all night, decide to get up to go to work. Insomnia was in full force last night and barely slept a wink.
0645 hrs – At the office. Guess who’s there? Eternal Crush with a sheepish smile and a bunch of flowers. Aww shucks! Glad I rebounded Ass-Hugging jeans, wore clean socks and decided to comb my hair.
1925 hrs – Complete writing this post. Officially declare myself the World’s Greatest Sucker and Doofus for Life. Certain that the rest of my existence on the third rock from the sun will continue to be miserable. Smile. Ahh … Publish.