Mr. Museveni, Please Come to My Wedding

Hang on; don’t rush out to buy a new kofia for the event. The wedding is on, sure, just not yet.

You see, Mr. President, my better half and I have agreed not to get married until you leave power. We know it won’t be in 2011, but that’s okay. Take your time. It will give me the opportunity to work off the extra fat and to get a plush job in the National Social Security Fund. That way I can look my personal best and he and I can rip off a few working suckers to afford a yearlong honeymoon in Cape Verde.

My fiancé doesn’t mind …

… I’m sorry. It seems I have been disingenuous in mentioning a fiancé.

My wedding inviteMr. President, I don’t have a husband-in-waiting. I’m searching for one, but the hunt is hard. You understand, don’t you? You said, a few years ago, that you were looking for people with vision. I felt your pain when you admitted to being tormented because only you had the power of foresight for Uganda. I identify, Mr. President. I identify. There are no men who live up to my one and only requirement that they be men. Masculinity and vision are hard to find these days.

Still, I want you to come to my wedding.

On numerous occasions I have heard your wish that all Ugandans should obtain an education, marry young, procreate and build this country. I apologize that I’m starting late. 34 years … it’s not only my mother who’s concerned. The clock is ticking for me, Mr. President, but by all means, take your time. I’m a patient woman.

I dream of my wedding, Mr. President. It’s a beautiful dream. A congregation full of people cheering me on, praising me for my poor dress sense, clapping at my unwise decision to choose a five-time divorcee as my marriage counselor. As we leave the church, smiling hoards bless my man and I, ignoring the fact that he is a known thief and scoundrel. It’s beautiful, Mr. President.

Of course there’s a small group of dissenters in my dream, but I shut them up. They stage a massive walkout, protesting loudly, but who cares? The House can do without them. The majority knows, the majority shows, the majority loves me.

Am I deluded Mr. President? I don’t think so. I learned from the best, you see. You’ve taught me to ignore the times, to dismiss the facts and to rewrite history if I must.

So won’t you come to my wedding, Mr. President?

I promise it will be great. There’ll be no vulgarized version of a matrimonial ceremony. I’ll ring-fence the speech slots, reserving one just for you. I’ll smile as you go on and on and on about how great your resistance movement was and how much you struggled for me. I’ll laugh as you misquote the Bible. I’ll nod knowingly as you smuggle in a misplaced Runyankole proverb or two. I’ll kneel in gratitude as you remind me that were it not for the NRM and the peace you brought, I’d never have been married.

My life right now is comfortable and I wonder sometimes … Mr. President when I look at the hassle-free life I have created for myself, I silently chant ‘No Change’. A husband may very likely mess up my happiness. The thought of giving single life another kisanja is often appealing.

But what am I saying? I want to get married and it all depends on you.

Our destinies are linked, you and I, Mr. President, and I look forward to the day. Make me a blushing bride, Mr. President, but not too soon. By all means, take your time.

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26 Comments to “Mr. Museveni, Please Come to My Wedding”

  1. Have you seen the big people who work at the National Social Security Fund? You won’t keep off the fat if you go there.

  2. Great piece! you really should send this to him…then board a plane to unknown parts!

  3. Haha! You my dear are cleary on track to become one of may favourite horatian satirists. Bravo!!!
    Now! you also have me singing that classic song ” Dear Museveni, we are happy” or was it called “No more virgin in Gulu “

  4. Lol at the pic. At first I thought it was a wedding cake.

  5. Winner!!!!
    Absolutely hilarious….you take it for the weekend!

  6. hilarious satire Tumwi…
    can we have that date?

  7. Been working with a guest from Australia and she attended a wedding in Munyonyo at which the president was chief guest. She told me the moment he started talking, she saw immediately that this guy was not as friendly and as kind as his words said. She called him the ultimate Machiavellian.

  8. you have a long wait ahead…let’s plant some pine trees and watch them grow. zee old man, he is staying for a bit

  9. Indeed someone said he is staying pakalast.

  10. This guy aint leavin soon. Great piece.

  11. Just came back from leave (including internet break of a kind) and it is always a renewed pleasure to come back reading your blog !

  12. Brilliant! I am not sure he will get it, though. Nor his ‘advisors’

  13. Tagged in my ‘well-written’ RSS feed folder -a very exclusive folder indeed (smile). Kezong, yeni mi bitte.

  14. This is a classic!

    I adore you woman

  15. Genius. And I bet I’d love it even more if I were more familiar with Ugandan culture and politics (though thanks to you, I’m slowly getting there!).

  16. This one is for world Cup Tumwi – truth is that we the people still love our President. You may have to wait much longer. Paka last!!! We the people have the power.

  17. I am in invited? But this is a rib cracker

  18. Awesome. Made even more awesome when I imagine him reading this letter and taking it literally and allocating you some loyal army captain to do the husbanding!

  19. What more can i say tumwi you have wowed me, of course the bloke’s gon take his time until muhoozi can do a Bongo.

  20. Satire at its best, that is a wonderful piece of art.

  21. I got to really appreciate the work done!!!!! keep it up.

  22. Just to bother you a bit, do you still have wedding plans, he seems largely interested in remaining uninvited to the wedding.

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