To Thee I Bequeath …

I’m writing my last will and testament.  This is why.

It’s 7:00 a.m.  About three hours ago, burglars attempted to break into my house.

I heard the rustling outside my living room window, harsh whispers and the ominous sound of scrapping of metal against metal.  I jumped out of bed and as fast as I could, picked up my weapon of choice: an old broken aluminum pan and a wooden spoon.

Aaahhh. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Aaaahhh!  Aaaahhhh! BAM!

The noise so startled the burglars that they dropped their saw and fled over my wall.

Martin, my trusty watchman, was all the while locked in my garage, sound asleep.

If I weren’t afraid of being raped, I would have composed myself, washed my face, picked up my keys and let the thieves in. After all, I have nothing of real value.  Sure, I live in a house that is two rooms too many for me and I drive a big (snigger) car.  I assure you, this is no indicator of wealth.

So I’m preparing myself for the next time the burglars visit.  This is my last will and testament.  I will laminate it, post it on my doors and windows and invite all who desire to take their pick.

**
This Last Will and Testament is made on the 24th day of June, 2010.

I: Tumwijuke Mutambuka

Of: Suckerville, Uganda

Born on: Too long ago to remember

Being of sound and disposing mind and memory and waaay over the age of 18 years, and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud, mistake, or undue influence, do hereby make, publish and declare the following to be my Last Will and Testament, revoking all previous will an codicils made by me.

I. MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN

I declare that I am married to My Job, and all references in this Will to My Job are references to The Futility and Wonder of Life.

I have the following children:
Name: Hope

Name: Ambition

Name: Despair

II. EXECUTOR:

I appoint Whoever Would Be Bothered as Executor of my Last Will and Testament.

III. BEQUESTS:
To You, I bequeath:

  1. My clothes, most being honorably purchased in second-hand stores and gloriously out of style
  2. My 11-inch TV set, DVD player, laptop computer and fridge that, thanks to the wonders of UMEME, were all blown on Monday, June 21, 2010 and are in a reliable state of disrepair
  3. My furniture, shabby, but lovingly handed down to me by a wide range of relations
  4. My DVD collection that kept the Kisementi movie bootleggers in business
  5. My car, a reliable 1995 Mitsubishi RVR that will offer you countless days of joy as you piece together the puzzle of junk
  6. My collection of two thousand and four books of immeasurable value or none at all

IV. ALL REMAINING PROPERTY; RESIDUARY CLAUSE:

I give, devise, and bequeath all of the rest, residue, and remainder of my estate, of whatever kind and character, and wherever located, to The Land Fill in Kitezi.

I make no provision for my children, knowing that just as they preceded me, they will survive for all time.

V. ADDITIONAL POWERS OF THE EXECUTOR:

Humanity shall have no other additional powers with respect to my estate, considering that I have none.

I direct that my remains be cremated and that the ashes be used to fill some portholes on the roads in my City Kampala.

**
By all means, Dear Burglars, come in.

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24 Responses to “To Thee I Bequeath …”

  1. Glad you are back. Naye, is this city trying to outcompete Nairobi. Not yet, I believe-because they ran.

  2. the 2,004 books must be worth a lot. some must be on a collector’s list…

  3. While it is frightening and sad that you were nearly robbed, I can’t help seeing the comic side of it and wondering–so you just banged-banged the saucepans and did not shout? you did not even loudly talk to yourself mbu…you where did you put the pistol so that the thieves could hear you and run for dear life?

    And finally, I guess you can say that being an insomniac has come to your aid, otherwise you would have been dead alsleep.

  4. The trusty watchman…..hmmmmm
    If the burglars come with and lift books only, then you’ll know who it is…….

  5. Sorry about that. Get a big dog. Heck, get several. Much more reliable than human beings.

  6. Might I suggest you open a Library so those 2,004 books can be of use to many.

  7. ha! their (the thieves) burgling intentions would be repealed after reading posted will (in simpler english– since i assume they wouldnt understand the meaning of ‘bequeath’ )though i may be wrong…

  8. Sad about the thieves………..buy gun.
    Reading through that will, I cant help but feel for you……such a sad person.

  9. banging a pan. now that’s an idea!
    i do not know how to scream so i always have nightmares about watching in silence while i am robbed. keep meaning to get a whistle.

    banging pans. i like.

  10. May I have your first and second born? I’m assuming they’re written as per their order of birth?

    PKW Nairobi these days they rob and stick around a bit to check for left overs in the fridge! At least that’s what I heard. And let’s not forget the infamous bank robbers who led their victims in singing a chorus during and I think after completing the robbery.

  11. i know kissyfur showed up on my blog and i was surprised… nawe, dont fear buglars like that. i got buglared too but everything they took was spoilt, from the laptop to the camera to the dvd player. i felt sorry for their efforts!

  12. can i have your 2004 books though?

  13. You can see the loyalties Tumwi!
    I just want your blog bequethed to me!

  14. I told ’em lilly livered fools to take heart, but noooo. They all ran away. I’ll have your clothes (FOR the green shops) and steal the rest when i return.
    seriously? 2004? books? i want.

  15. you mean that was your place??? wow…i have to be quite honest, you scared tha bah-jeezuz out of us! but since you now seemed to be prepared…would you like to know the day youre going to die?

  16. Glad u kept ur wits about you.
    Sure Martin wasn’t in on it? does he always sleep in the garage?
    may i have the last four books now, i don’t wanna wait till after ur filling my potholes.

  17. Banging saucepans scared them away?! Sorry about that though…

  18. just to say i’ve been here, and now i hear my bed calling, so i’m leaving

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